Posted by: rachelok | May 11, 2011

Tugs.

I’ve been around for almost 30 years. Whoa. This gal has been around for more types of love than you can count on one hand, and is better for knowing all of them.
This lucky girl has a husband to go through the rest of it as a team with. He loves me in a way I never expected anyone to, and sticks by his promise every day. No matter how much fear I show at letting all the walls down, he’s always standing guard on the other side. My soldier. My heart.
I have been through every other kind of love on the planet, looking for where I belong, where I feel the most safe and stable, finally.
The super intense but will never last, the insatiable obsession, the friendship connection that’s so deep it knows no what other direction to go in, even the lovely and safe and stable love, but with something missing. That something. I even tried to go for the ‘trophy wife’ love-if he loves me enough it doesn’t matter how I feel. Maybe it was maturity (not necessarily on their part-most likely on mine). Inadequacy? Trust? No matter, I suppose, it just wasn’t right.
But I have finally been blessed with someone who shows and works with me to explain what love is all about. Before when I pushed, they eventually all gave. My husband doesn’t falter. He loves me without prejudice, without question, without caveats.
I’m a very lucky girl with a very bright future, and a very bright man to share it with.
Thanks, almost-30. We took some time, but we’re working hard, and we are all but there. Cut those ropes and fall.

The way my husband sees me.

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Posted by: rachelok | May 5, 2011

Seminar.

I went to see a speaker tonight. He was very good, better than this little town is accustomed to bringing in…I mean, he’s worked with Oprah, for goodness sake.
“The Wilderness of Grief: Finding Your Way.” He spoke of grief in many forms. In the past year I have grieved many, many things. The loss of a concrete place I could call home, the loss of a job, a nearness to my family, independence, a matching retirement plan…then later, another major life move, loss of comfort level, of my spouse by my side…the past year has lost and gained everything, at least twice.
Oddly, the main thought I couldn’t let go of throughout the seminar tonight was my grandad. It occurs to me all these years later that there are three pics of him hanging in my bedroom, and two chairs that were in his house semi-circled around a bookshelf, and my lotion and water glass resting on a nightstand that once housed his tissues. I had a, what they called ‘mystical experience,’ shortly after grandad passed that I wouldn’t dare share with a doubter about how certain types of love work. What I’m learning is that grief you don’t deal with, go through, at the time…just waits for you. “Grief doesn’t wait on time, it waits on its welcome.”
Night.

Posted by: rachelok | March 15, 2011

I know I can…

My eyes have been drooping for over an hour, but my heavy heart is keeping my mind just busy enough to not rest.
Yeah, one of those nights.
Know what I wish? That I didn’t feel like such a big, sloppy wet fish sometimes, flopping around outside of water, no real direction but panicked to get there.
I wish that there had been other options besides this town. When, after 18 years, you wipe your hands clean of something, you should probably call it good. You wiped for a reason, throw that towel away.
I wish that I understood Chemistry, gd it.
And I really do wish ‘if’s’ and ‘but’s’ were candy and nuts. I do.

Posted by: rachelok | February 3, 2011

I haven’t forgotten.

Truly, I haven’t. Just transitioning back into the world of organizing my time, figuring out how to not enjoy those down times, but do homework and study in them (which is still enjoyable in it’s own way), how to hustle for my money and cope with not getting home from work until 11pm.
Upon re-reading that, I do realize I made it sound like I’m a lady of the night. I suppose, in a way, I am. Regardless, it’s been busy on this front.
I like learning in this manner again. I like the social aspect of my new job, as well as walking home with a fistful of cash at the end of the night. (Seriously, not a prostitute.)
I like my life right here and now. I have my Gordon and one of my very best friends and soulmates, my mama, by my side everyday. We’re actually a very happy, cohesive little family, and I’m grateful every day of my life. Added to that? I still have my family out in CA. My Rosie and Kori and Dave and Sean that I will eternally consider family, and my Trav, that will never cease to be the most beautiful, kind, patient, caring, talented man alive. Man, does he ever make beautiful things with his hands.
So that’s my neat and tidy little catch up. There is and will be more to come, I promise, I just wanted to let you know I’m still out here in this big ‘ol world with you, and that I miss you, and that I think of you. Yeah, you. I’ll leave you with Trav’s newest drawing of me. It makes me a little shy, so be kind with criticism 🙂

Travis makes beautiful things.

Posted by: rachelok | January 11, 2011

I got to guest blog!!

http://bumblebeehands.blogspot.com/

Gordon and I are settling nicely, will chat more soon. Still fumbling with words for now…
But school starts tomorrow!!!! Think me lucks, I’ll have mama take a pic with me and my backpack!

Posted by: rachelok | January 6, 2011

I owe you words.

Truth.
I’m here, in my mom’s basement, which isn’t nearly as depressing as it sounds. The square footage of my mom’s basement exceeds that of the house we shared for 4 years while I was in high school. Also exceeds that of the majority of apts I’ve lived in for the past decade. It’s all finished with 2 bedrooms, bathroom, living room, dining room, etc. It’s a good basement to become a nurse in.
Enrolled in school. Have annoyingly called everyone I need to and inquired about every detail. I fear I’m being those non-trads that I despised while in school, but I can’t help it. I have a seeming inability to be unprepared this time around. Also, have the ability to not give a shit about what anyone thinks of me. I finally get you, mom in my psychology class who wouldn’t stop asking questions. High five.
There are lots of sads and lots of hards, but I have outstanding friends, and my mom at hand, not to mention, I have my Gordon, at home, everyday, again.
My life is not perfect, my life is not stunning, nor spectacular. But, without question, it’s mine. I answer to it, and it, I. Just as always before, this next step, life and I are taking together. Not so utterly independent and self sufficient as before, but this feels right. This here and now.

Posted by: rachelok | December 22, 2010

Settling in.

Before I moved to CA, I lived about 40 minutes from my niece and nephew. The longest I ever went without going to see them was 6 weeks, and that didn’t happen too often. While in CA, I went 6 months without seeing them. Dislike.

Being back here with them now? Glorious. My favorite reasons to race upstairs upon waking, my favorite reason to roll around on the floor. I really super missed my brother and sister-in-law, too.

Smooches for sis.

Super cheese! Silly girl.

Busy babies!

Posted by: rachelok | December 21, 2010

Stuffs.

1. I saw a book title awhile ago, can’t pinpoint when or where. Saw the same title in a donation bag at the senior center where I volunteered, grabbed it out of interest. Fast read, so heartwarming and hysterical, love it. Over halfway through I realized it has prizes for YA lit. That’s Young Adult Literature, if you don’t know. I’m in current love with a middle school book. But seriously, read it. “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian.” It’s amazing. Part of the reason I was both feet on board was the following: “I laughed consistently from beginning to end.” – Amy Sedaris. ‘Nuff said.

So. Good.

2. I currently feel that I belong nowhere. Being an ‘adult’ of 29, I always thought I would have it all figured out by now. And even if not totally figured out, a husband, home and family to work through it with. I’ve moved 13 times in the past 10 years. 13 times. I just want to be able to settle somewhere, to feel safe enough to take a deep breath and trust.

3. I’ve been in the car for 30 hours out of the last 4 days. Every CD was gone through. One, entitled 4 2 rachel caught me off guard. Everything’s ok, then it’s just, suddenly, not. Memories have a way of creeping in without warning.

Frank...

4. Dropped Travis off at the airport today. Every day leading up until today, and now he’s just…gone. He emailed me a little under 11 months ago. We took our silly selves to a chapel a little under 10 months ago. This past year has been big and scary and wonderful and scary and sad and beautiful and terribly perfect. Beyond it all, I fell for a man with a chronic illness, which will teach you more than you could ever know. You and I? We get upset over traffic, over problems like being cut off and mean and cutting insults from people who are hurting too much to be nice to anyone else…this man I know? He’s thankful for being able to walk, for going a whole day without a vicodin pill, let alone a pain shot, for clear urine with no blood, for being able to be at work full time at all, for the days he can walk. Because of his kidney, he could not, at one or many points or another, could not do all of these things.

If you want to chat about this, my new perspective, we can sit down. It’s not so simple as it seems, and it’s affected every aspect of our lives. His life. My life.

5. Seeing my niece and nephew today…well, it just about broke me. My heart was so full. And to hug my brother and sister-in-law again, wonderful. Hugs are healing in the most wonderful way.

So, tonight, I’m here. I have 1,479 things on my mind. Unfortunately, exhaustion does not seem to trump mind racing. Hopefully exhaustion will win this head to head…one can only hope. Travis should have landed, be fast asleep in the bed that we purchased with weddin’ monies, brought home with the help of uncle Dave. I got him an IKEA cinnamon roll for helping us. That’s not my bed anymore. That’s not my home anymore. Siiiiiiiiigh.

So yeah, I don’t so much feel I belong anywhere. I feel I am constantly borrowing time, space, love. I’m a mooch. Not so long ago, I took absolute care of me, now, I am embarrassed at others’ kindness toward me, I feel like a worthless non-contributing society person. It makes me super sad, and I really need the boost of starting school again, of working, of sticking on my hardhat and getting back to the business of constructing this new road.

I should sleep instead of pour. Heart guts trying to stay intact, goodnight.

P.S. Gut-punching, to share….

Posted by: rachelok | December 10, 2010

Can’t. Stop. Watching.

This is the most pathetically adorable thing I’ve ever seen. I think I’ve watched it about 14 times now.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/40531550#40531550

(WordPress isn’t letting me post the video for some reason, but follow the link. Seriously.)

Posted by: rachelok | December 9, 2010

I’m not sure why…

Maybe it’s from doing Handel’s Messiah in college, done at a my private Lutheran college, performed in the gorgeous life force of campus with a full pipe organ. It’s where we held orchestra practice each week, but something about that performance breathed such life into the venue..the energy, electricity was palpable. It is an annual tradition there, and for good reason.

Presser Hall, notice the huge organ.

Being a part of that still sticks to me. I hope it never washes off. The audience singing along, Playing alongside community members who have done it for the past 20+ years, the absolute feeling of being connected to that very moment, those very people, being etched into those roots that run so deep.

By the way, if you ever have a chance to attend, please do so. You just won’t be sorry. Follow this link for tickets the upcoming performance, they go on sale Jan. 3rd. http://bethanylb.edu/messiahfest-ticketinfo.html. Tickets for The Messiah run about $20, and are so worth it. While there, take a day or so to soak up Lindsbory itself, such a beautiful little town.

Right, moving on from what turned into my glowing endorsement, this is a food court flash mob. I can only blame the aforementioned experience as to why this manages to bring tears to my eyes. Enjoy.

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