Posted by: rachelok | January 6, 2012

Resolving to be resolute.

The new year as an idea keeps getting more weird to me as time passes, as ‘a’ new year could be celebrated at any point. There’s something about ‘the’ new year, however, that seems to always end up holding an oddly burdensome amount of weight.

Like, I always want to work to be a better person, but the sudden presence of that new number tacked onto the end of the year actually makes me more conscious of working toward that goal. Funny how that works.

I guess I’ve gotten further and further from making resolutions because it just started seeming very sort of…arbitrary? I suppose? Why not make it at the time I recognize the need instead of waiting for a holiday of resolutions to make it?

It may not seem like it, but I’m trying to circle around to a point.

I don’t like a lot of things about the person I behaved as in 2011. There are things I wish that I had handled differently. There are definitely times when I would have been a better partner, friend, daughter, aunt, sister, worker, student. There are times that I used fear and uncertainty as an excuse to brick and mortar people out of my heart and head. There are words that slipped out of my mouth that surprised even me once they hit the air.

Added to that cord of wood, though? I don’t like the way I have treated myself. I don’t like that I gave up on things, I don’t like that I allowed myself to be deceived, I don’t like that I walk around as though I do not deserve any sort of respect or kindness. And I don’t like this emptiness that I keep expecting another human to fill when, in reality, I’m the only one with a shovel, standing next to a perfectly sized for me pile of dirt. And no matter how hard and pushy I get, trying to hand that shovel off to someone else to do the dirty work, it won’t happen. They can’t accept it, because I’m the only one who can roll up her sleeves and fill it.

Sounds like a lot of work to do alone, but I think I’m up for the challenge. So thanks, new number, for forcing me to, once again, sit down in my own pile of mud and really take a look at me. Maybe resolutions aren’t such a bad idea after all.

Our spazzy Christmas picture 🙂

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