Posted by: rachelok | December 3, 2011

Sticker in my palm.

Once, not so long ago, I had a conversation with a middle aged bachelor. He is 45, has never been married, has no kids, and prefers to date younger women. He informed me that he gets kind of leery of women who are 30+ and have never been married because, obviously, there is something wrong with them. “Makes you wonder about them, you know?”

No, I guess I don’t know.

Because I am that woman.

So I turned it on him and wondered aloud what must be wrong with him, being 45 and never married. Surprisingly, he had never thought about it that way.

What really bothers me is how tightly this conversation has clung to me. How deeply it has rooted itself and made me, in fact, wonder: What is wrong with me?

Everyday that passes I sit idly by, hands tucked under my tush, and watch as friends, family, society announce engagements, legal unions, pregnancies, births…I try to relate as best I can through my own relationship experiences, through how maternal I feel toward my niece and nephew…but, at the end of the day, when I crawl alone into my empty bed, I really have no idea what any of that kind of love feels like. And it makes me sad. Really fucking sad.

My brave face is fine and getting a new career, but a mere 1/2 layer deeper, I’m scared. My tummy hurts from worry. I put up with far more than anyone should because I feel that if I just hang on, it’ll get better. Stronger. Less scary.

I’m ok until you ask me face to face if I’m ok. I don’t know why, call it the true girl in me, but when someone asks me that, salty, hidden tears spring up from my very toes and reveal it all.

I have no idea where all of this ‘life’ stuff is leading me, or how badly I’m fucking it up along the way, but I could really use a ray of sunshine. And an ounce of confidence. And a hug. A really good, tight, lingering hug.



  1. Your bachelor conversation partner may be a perfectly decent human in many aspects, but any 45 year old who only dates younger woman a) has a need to feel superior and chronological age is the only way he can swing it, b) is afraid to be with a woman his own age because she will see and call him on his imperfections/bullshit, or c) has a small penis and a lack of sexual skills so figures young girls don’t know enough yet to realize he is absolutely not a catch.

    When he wonders why women over 30 haven’t married, he only need look in the mirror. When pickings are that slim, most of us would rather starve.

  2. …one good hug, coming right up!

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