There was a moment a few days ago that stopped me in my steps, sucked the air out of me for a moment. Not sure what happened, and the anxiety meds usually take care of that, but I realized who I am and where I am and what my chronological age is about to point at me and say, and I was breathless.
I thought that being back in my hometown would afford me some peace, some reflection, some time to care for my mama. What I did not anticipate was how incredibly stressful and consuming nursing school is, and how, though you try, you can’t help someone who is utterly resistant.
Summer school is in session and my days are spent allotting time for too many things. When I have time to sit back and think for a moment, I miss my 8-5 days with a steady salary and great benefits. The rest of the time I’m too busy to remember. I work a dirty job for minimal pay, barely covering bills. But it’ll help me in the long run, so I persevere. I push ahead and study like mad and try my hardest and can do nothing but hope and work for the best. Hope the best is in me.
This town has brought out childhood in me, that I don’t like. It dictates how I act in relationships, when current me should be doing that. Wrist slap. This town makes me afraid I won’t have the guts to leave again. Psychological slap. But the end is becoming more apparent all the time. I’ve lasted this far. Over 50% who started this journey have not fared so well.
On July 18th I will be done with summer school. That gives me almost a month to do nothing but work and try to find me again. I want to read, I want to write, I want to do things that scare and delight me. I don’t want to live for when I’m done, that wastes over two years of my life. In the thick of it, it sometimes seems the only thing to keep me going. I think I owe myself more than that, though.
I turn 31 in less than a month. When I look back on the last year, I wonder where the fuck it’s gone and what I’ve done. Well, I’ve been becoming a nurse. I know a lot more stuff that makes me proud of myself. Emotionally, though? Not so much growth. Not so proud of that. I don’t want to waste this next year by doing the same, putting all focus into my future career, though it often demands it. My hope is to politely decline the advances of the looming rest of my life, and be able to give some love to here and now.